I took those antideps for two days and then...and then the "dubki" at Haridwar ensured that I didn't them anymore! First, I didn't want to go. The idea just didn't appeal to me. I was sad, depressed and didn't want to be disturbed from my chemical sleep. I just wanted the whole thing to get over. The trip. The conversations. Everything. The antideps made me feel a little better. Its frightening the way those chemicals work! But, they couldn't make me smile. My parents were in town. I was supposed to feel happy and look forward to the whole thing. I tried. I failed. I ran to the only thing I knew would help me. Could help me. Makes me feel like a loser sometimes. The whole deal about being "clinically depressed", about the fact that sunlight determines my life. And yes, it hurts when 'people around me' think of me as a freak, when they tell me 'just take your "mental" medicines and leave us alone' (yeah, that has been the actual remark, unfortunately), when they expect me to be like a "normal" kid. Normal as in what? Yes, I am relatively "un-social". But isn't everything "realtive"? Aren't you ''relatively'' less-nice, un-critical, "realtively" just another brick in the wall? Why make a freak out of me then?
These days I am all alone. Mom calls to ask if I had my lunch. I call my sister to ask what she had for dinner. I go to the library. I go for my evening jog. I do my yoga. Eat my salad. Study again. And my day ends. The only person I miss is perhaps Sambit. But that too if I go on a tangent other than Science Studies. Been four months now. My therapist tells me to stay away from him. I see her point. The whole thing had been going on for just too long. Now I stare at my name, not knowing who I am. It is as if he erased my signature. I mean, how do I access myself anymore? Yeah, I just know that I study. I am studying. Other than that? Nothing. Sometimes I feel angry. At the betrayal. At the descecrations. And on nights like yesterday, when the cubs demand to be let out, the flood gates of my eyes give way. The cubs. That is perhaps something that hurts the most. That children already named never will be born.
